Sunday, January 31, 2010

Why Government-operated Liquor Commissions are not good for wine lovers?


Dry corks

What does that say to any Shiraz-lover out there? A dry cork is indicative of terrible storage practices as well as terrible pricing logic.

The wine in question was a Shiraz from Argentina priced to sell at $7.99 per bottle Canadian currency. Chances are this medium-variety wine ( it is not that bad but i would not serve it to the boss if he was an oenophile?) was overpriced, did not sell so therefore the powers that be put it on reduction. Sometimes buying wines in this province on reduction is a good move but in this case, with a dry cork, not good.

Shame on the MLCC for they are philistines not worthy of marketing decent wines.

Trolls, Harpies, Retards and Racists - what lurketh in Cyberlandia?

Oh man......I am having way too much fun today and why? Oh I cannot quite explain yet but suffice to say there is nothing more consistent than the behaviour of those who have but little grey matter to work with and when they are challenged or corrected they get downright pissy-eyed. This goes to the "shooting fish in a barrel with an M-fucking-16" reference on my sidebar.

I have to think about this one for awhile because there are parties involved that I do not wish offend but that being said it would be bloody brilliant if some folks would learn that they will never "win" an argument if all they can do is provide innuendo and conjecture.

Oh Sunday, the best day of the week to enjoy coffee and troll eradication.

FIRSTLY, a DG dictionary of the title terms....and if you are really lucky it will all make sense? hehehehehe.....

HARPY - (harpies - plural)....not to be confused with Harpy Seals, Eagles or mythological creatures that were half animal/demonic women (which all emit loud and annoying bursts of sound ) but this term does relate to women in the modern, net age and is a term that is applicable to the worst kind of woman, one who engages in BITCHERY. I suppose even when reading comments made by a Harpy one could imagine loud and annoying outbursts being directed at them?

BITCHERY is a form of behaviour exercised by someone, usually a woman, against other women, that the HARPY seems to, almost always, irrationally get offended by. What offends a harpy most? Well, lemme see - the target of the Harpy's bitchery is usually a woman who has enjoyed experiences not enjoyed by the Harpy. A common Harpy tactic is to accuse her victim of braggodocio, arrogance or telling lies. Harpies love to suck up to TROLLS (definition to follow later) and bring said trolls into the ganging up against the victim even if the Harpy has stated publically that she never liked most of the Trolls in the past that she is kissing up to now in order to bolster her irrational obsessions?

Still with me? It will all make sense sooner than later....hehehe. Yeah, it will make sense even though on first examination, net antics really are just the school yard all over again only this time one does not see their bullies because the bullies are hiding behind the relative anonymity of an internet connection. That is far more sad than funny....shame.

Okay, more on the correlations later....back to the definitions.

TROLL(s)......One can go back to Grimm's Fairy Tales for this one and yes, the appropos analogies can be inferred with regards to how these characters utilize the Internet. Trolls are usually male, not that articulate, extremely insecure, not necessarily attention-seeking in the classic sense of the definition but they do seem to bask in the mayhem and fractiousness they create especially if it is consistently against one person. Think of the pack mentality. Trolls can act in a singular fashion but love it when other trolls and harpies join up with them to "beat" someone down with words.

Now here is the funny part. Trolls love to call those who are the target of their bullshit - you guessed it - trolls!!! The classic catch-22 in that as much as one should not acknowledge said insults or slander it is hard not to when the same lies are being trotted out time and again. So when one defends their integrity and honor they are called a troll by the Trolls. Kind of fucked up is it not? Tragic and funny at the same time - another paradox courtesy of the realm known as cyberspace.

Now we get a little serious here....and yes, will invoke some feminist discourse because it is in many cases, some quite famous, that the victims of harpies (combined with trolls) tend to be women with strong "voices", "personalities" and possessive for the most part of a higher degree of intellect and experience. Yep, back to the phenomena of bitchery.

Case in point I did run this scenario past several men just to make sure I was not off on some persecution rant - okay think of any work situation blue or white collar where a woman comes onto the scene, fresh meat for the kill so to speak, and because of whatever is invited out by her male superior(s) for an outside of work meeting maybe over a brewski or what do you think the resident harpies at the office would say about this if later she was handed larger responsibilities? Okay, now substitute a man into this same scenario and I guarantee that there would be far less speculation being put forth with regards to the reasons as to why he received more responsibilities or a promotion?

The internet, as much as it can be a great place to meet folks, share ideas, bridge cultural and geographical boundaries is also a dangerous and sad place because this innate meanness and bitchery thrives and festers in an environment of "anonymity". Anti-stalking laws that have been upgraded in recent years are indicative of the often-times hostile and threatening antics by those who seem to get their jollies by spreading lies. And guess what? More often than not these days it is women who are engaging in behaviours that have led to, in some cases by proxy, the premature and wrongful death of their victims.

Regarding Retards and Racists......well, well - a RETARD or "tard", to me, is someone that still cannot read and comprehend what is so blatantly apparent to others. Retards, more often than not, wind up becoming recruited by Trolls because they perceive, wrongly, that they are the target of someone. No, they are just tards and get awfully tiresome to tolerate after awhile.

RACISTS - wow, perhaps another day for this word because I have discovered over the years that there is a whole other discourse emerging as to how one can define what entails a racist.

Once again, when examining internet culture all of the above terms can be interchangeable, non and gender specific but in the end can result in what I see as asinine behavioural patterns. What is sad is that we never seem to learn as humans that history is doomed to repeat itself.

Words are mighty weapons.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Cool Line of the Day

"You're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of don't look like your average Horti-fucking-culturalist!"

--Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels


Desperate times call for desperate men? ( fuck you Conceited Jerk) I was gonna say desperate measurements but Mister Jerk was being a jerk and i could not resist. I like jerks when they are smart and have an abundance of hair.

We are sitting at the Fyxx cafe laughing at everyone (not anyone in the cafe) because we can. Does that make us arrogant and conceited - fuck yeah. It is nasty, bitterly cold out there and yes, it was worth the trip (on public transit) to come down here if only to have a few good yuks. Besides, I needed some lessons on how to properly exploit some programs and who better to ask than an erstwhile geek who is not scared to talk to girls? Women? Space aliens?

Now back to measurements.....normally one would say "desperate measures" but today it is all about the sailboat that gets bigger with each time it is mentioned. I started off at thirty feet ( a respectable size for a solo sailor ) but realized much later that companionship is necessary for two key activities, fucking and drinking.....and not to forget boat maintenance and "negotiating" with stroppy harbour officials (that is my job). This is why the damned boat fantasy grows with each telling....may as well have some fun right?

So each time the weather sucks, like it does today, my boat needs grow by five feet. I am now up to 55 feet.....hopefully the weather get warmer or else I will never achieve my goal of ruling the high seas or better yet getting high on the seas. Well, actually i have gotten high on the seas but that is for another day.

So what point am I making here? None that I can see and I don't give a rat's ass. It is Saturday and I need to impart to you, dear reader, that the brain does not completely shut down in the cold but damn, if I did not have to be typing right here and right now I would be (drumroll please....) at my "office" in Playa Coco, Costa Rica.....yeah my office...wanna see a picture? I knew you did.

This is the view from the famous La Vida Loca bar....Jimbo Jensen, the proprietor, is a colorful character but more about him later. OH I am such a teaser and erstwhile vulgarian but hey, I just started this project and am having some fun. Beats the heck outta the alternative does it not?

GETTING SIDETRACKED.....I have many ways of achieving that state of being, some more creative than others. Today however it was having just enough caffeine racing through my system to get me motivated enough to explore downtown with Mister Jerk who can keep up with my random access train wreck in the making stream of consciousness spew.

We were talking about the panhandlers and how crazy they are when just as we enter one of the low-rent mall areas I get accosted by one....must have been those damned Pradas! He was not happy when I told him to get the hell out of my space. It is always amusing when the same crackhead tries to hit you up for money a half-hour later even after he expressed his love for you - read: FUCK YOU BITCH!!! Man, the crack must be decent in this town. No, I am not gonna find out if that is the case but will trust the sketchiness of the aforementioned crackhead. Mister Jerk was thoroughly amused and congratulated me on my uncanny ability to bring out the best in our more downtrodden citizenry.

Back to my favourite office at Jimbo's bar. Nobody calls you a bitch there but you may get called a cheap, lying bastard!

Yeah, that photo, that was the view from the bar. Wireless net, excellent rum punch and good company. Never got rassed, could laugh and cuss all I liked and not be judged for it and occasionally could walk away without paying because I only lived about two hundred meters away. And if it was night Jimbo would send one of his security guys to make sure I got home okay because I was carrying the craptop. Funny how all the sketchy types like to hang on the beach at night. I never felt intimidated but always good to err on this side of caution rather than have to kick the crap outta some poor crackhead. Heheheh. Maybe. Well.....depends on what I was drinking and how much and whether or not I had talked with the ex that day....hehehe.

Jimbo is a character and he has toughed it out in this town for about ten years. Not that it is hard to run a business in Costa Rica - hell, it is a ticket to print money during the high-season good times but what happens when all the snowbirds and tourists vanish come rainy season? Like any good bar there has to be in spades one key ingredient - PERSONALITY and if that comes with a good dose of abuse, service, humour, tune-age and Sat TV for us football and soccer fans, tasty food and a bathroom that won't make you vomit at first glance? Oh man, you have hit bar heaven. Having a killer view helps too.

Boats? Wasn't I on about boats earlier? Yeah, how thirty feet gets bigger and the cabin a bit more elaborate and the mere thought of salt air hitting your face as you are struggling with that fishing line....ahh, that is life. In reality, it is not the size that matters but rather what one does with it. Same could be said of many things - ego for instance? No matter on that score as mine is fairly intact and unlike some would believe, not growing but maintaining nicely. Maybe that is why I liked Jimbo's as there were some choice boats floating nearby.

One of my dearest friends remarked to me one day how on his tombstone he wants written the phrase "fuck em' if they can't take a joke". I told him that the local cemetery may not dig it but I certainly could. Apt sentiment if there ever was and I do know a lot of jokers, bless their rude little hearts! Hahahaha.

The first time I met Jimbo I think he was "poco crudo" - a neat way in Spanish of saying he was hung over, a little raw.....but man, what an affable character and underneath that crazy exterior lurks a brilliant, if not totally demented, mind. One has to be a bit of everything to survive running a business in a foreign land where one out of every two expats is certifiably insane, an alcoholic, divorced, disillusioned, on the lam or all of the above? Maybe this is why I thrive in these crazy little enclaves because one is always gonna meet someone crazier, stupider and drunker than what I could ever be. The trick to success, once again, is maintaining and not falling into the gringo traps of which many exist.

I had been reading this cool book by Tucker Max, I hope they serve beer in Hell, I believe it is called and as much as he is a total womanizing reprobate the boy can entertain and write like a sumbitch. He has my admiration.

My luggage had to be downsized and one of the nicest things anyone can do in these little places is to leave works of fine literature behind for those who you know will appreciate it. Jimbo, who had sort of expressed a disdain for great literary works of art (more macho posturing on his part as he ain't no dummy) was a little skeptical when I presented him with my dog-eared copy of Max's book. I handed it to him with a big, stupid grin and said Asshole, read the fucking back of it first dude....the testimonials rock.

I saw him start to smile and he randomly opened it up to some bit of debauchery (hell, the whole book is pure debauchery) and started to read out loud to everyone at the bar within ear shot. I knew the book had found the right home. Jimbo finished the book in two days and had already loaned it out to another deserving bachelor. Well, I'll tell you I have never made so many curmudgeons in one locale so happy as I did with that goddamned book. I was at a dinner party a week or so later and Jimbo pointed at me and said to his friend yeah that R****, she gave it to me - great fucking book!

Tucker Max, if you ever get to read this - dude, you cannot buy this sort of literary adoration. Now where is my boat???

Friday, January 29, 2010

Myth vs. fact....

I'm sorry - you got the wrong idea......KAPOW!!!!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I am a retard??

No, I am no 'tard but I am still playing with this "toy" called a "WE-Blog".....funny but I remember when blogspot first came out around ten years ago and many were urging me then to do a blog but goddamnit I was too busy.

I have been using the internet since 1986 back when it was all text-driven, very expensive and one had to really know how to refine a search. I have watched it morph into what it is now (and yes it is still evolving - but into what remains to be seen), have had several websites since 1990, and like any player, have moved on several times. My relationship with the internet has been fractious indeed but in many ways rewarding.

I used to do my own HTML back in the day when my eyes were good but as any of us know who have worked with HTML one misplaced comma or period can be cause for a complete geek meltdown as in WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING MISTAKE??????? I AM PERFECT AND NEVER MAKE MISTAKES.....ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!!

Well, guess what? Nah, do not even go there. Suffice to say hours later when that wee mistake was found? That was it for me. No mas HTML. And this kind of leads into a neat little segue regarding eyesight....mine sucks. So, from time to time, dear reader, troll, harpie, retard or whatever - you will notice imperfections like missing conjunctions, pluralities what have you and why? Well, adaptation is a good thing and that is all I am gonna say. No white canes yet but I do get vexed over those little errors because of all those cruel menopausal teachers I had in grade school that felt all of us peasants had to have good English pounded into our skulls. I am my own worst critic in that regard.

I thank and salute, in retrospect and after having discovered herbage, those women who loved our language so much that it became their mission to instill RESPECT for it into our souls even if it meant that years later some of us would still be seeking therapy? hahahahahah!!!!

Blogging, like texting, twatting, tweeting, twittering, spewing, foaming at the mouth or being old-fashioned enough to take the time to actually WRITE by hand a letter, is another form of morphing only this time it is our language, our community and our sense of selves.....

OK - that was deeply shallow. Time for a libation. Cheers all!

PEEVES or just plain old WHY???

Okay this is where I GET TO HAVE FUN vis a vis, piss off some folks.....there are questions/peeves that pop up in my head like messages from space aliens (where the hell is the tin foil dudes?) that I still cannot understand, do not want to understand or think are just plain retarded. I have an awful feeling that as time goes by this list will grow and fester and develop into another life form....especially if reader submit their questions or peeves....

WHO THE HELL SAID IT WAS A SIGN OF DYSFUNCTION just because you like to have a drink before 5 pm your time (wherever the hell you are?) - I mean really, unless your goal is to get snot pukin' drunk and accomplish absolutely nothing (well, sometimes that can be a laudable goal too) everyday of the rest of your life, what the fuck is the problem?

Why do people dress little girls up in heels and makeup? Are they bimbos in training?

Why are most sheets on hotel beds white? I mean really, if I had to change those sheets everyday I sure as hell don't wanna see the activities from the night before in bold technicolour!

Why do I have to pay my bills on time? That sucks, cuts into my entertainment fund!

How come is it when I am asked a question that the questioning party knows I have the right answer to and when answered properly the questioner will turn around to the nearest MAN and ask him the same damned thing? What does that say? That my answer could not possibly be right? Blow me.

How come is it we are still trotting out crap from the nineteen fifties with regards to the whole man/woman thing? Get over it....I can BBQ and squash beer cans and keep up with play by plays as good or better sometimes than the next dude....hehehehe - GO SAINTS!!!!

I despise folks who spit in public or throw their gum on the sidewalk and there is nothing more gross than when you are sitting at a table at a restaurant and underneath the table are the remnants of used gum.....GROSS.

Are all border guards dumb nazis? (I think dis be one of dem REETORICAL questions-hahaha)

.....I know I will come up with more of this nonsense.....given enough "inspiration".


Yeah, some who know me and who have been sleazing around my FaceCrack site know that I have become recently enamoured of this "word". I did not invent it. I give full credit to Gene Simmon's son Nick having heard him utter it on the show Gene Simmon's Family Jewels, a kind of guilty pleasure to watch and almost as fun as watching all those scrawny, whiny barbies duke it out on Survivor! or The Bachelor. Ahhhh, Homer Simpson would be wont to say, it gives us so much without making any demands upon us.

Procrasturbation, to me, is another way of saying I've got/had/still working through writer's block but it is giving myself pleasure in a sick and twisted way (think back to all those warnings about self-gratification that may have been issued to you as a teen) because I am engaging in the acts of procrastination and mental masturbation. Hehehehehe....muahahahaha. Damn, that felt really good. I think I will start all over again.

Writing is a weird and very self-indulgent pursuit and some get what the writer is up to and there are those who are just so fucking clueless that after emerging from a discussion with them your head is bloody and bruised. STOP IT!!!! Just do what needs to be done and if the next day when your eyes and your brain are back in synch and you dare to review what you have written, you can always change the words for the better or at least get more down and dirty. The latter sentiments are great especially when applied to sex, politics, sex, money-making activities, off-road adventures, sex.....okay, spring cannot arrive soon enough. You get the picture. There are always distractions that need to be dealt with.

Folks ask me all the time, how hard is it to work for yourself? Please refer to the above. Writers and other creative types who work for themselves are masters at avoidance and excel at creating diversions. Well, not necessarily avoidance for some of us but rather a sense of fear, possessiveness over our work (dare we share?) - one can get rather obsessive after awhile and thus become nuts. Ha! As if many of us were not somewhat certifiable already? Certifiable in whose eyes I ask? I am and always will be my worst critic and I am a bitch when it comes to my work.

Ordinary Man avoids tense situations - REPO MAN gets into tense situations......

Many folks tell me that they are envious of me in that I have been able to over the years combine my work and my pleasure and be able to make an income. They often say they wished they had the guts to get out there and get on the road or hop that plane to some third world wartorn shithole (best bars are always in shitholes and are patronised by some REAL characters whose guns are NOT props) and live my life. This is the part of the conversation where I either grimace, grin, laugh or just get up and say my goodbyes and go talk with someone reaction is always dependent upon a myriad of factors - age of the person, gender, enthusiasm, sincerity, is not that I am derisive but there are times when I would rather be a Homer Simpson than a DriveGoddess.....I have paid the price for that so-called freedom and lust for life.

That stuff comes later. That sort of stuff is why I procrasturbate. Ooooo, introspection - too heavy. Some things are only to be divulged at the right time and in thinking that way does that make me selfish? No, I do not believe so. Some stories are good enough to wait for. Some stories over time evolve and the misery and anger is replaced by self-deprecating humour.

When in doubt humour will get you through damned near anything. Of that, I know I am spot-on.

And yeah, masturbation is good too. I read somewhere, probably on the door of a bathroom stall in some truck stop in middle America, that it is good to get off everyday because it feels good. I mean really, what else is there to add to that sort of sentiment?

So, I will continue to procrasturbate because in an odd way, it does feel good.