Thursday, February 4, 2010

Mental Exercises and small Confessions

Now before any of you reading this think that what I am about to discuss is reflective of living this first year post-45 anos, nah, you be off somewhat. Notice I said "somewhat"? I'll expand further eventually, maybe???

I have this routine that for the last few years I have been working on. It is a memory thing, an exercise designed to get my brain working before I even get out from under the blankets. I think of a related series of words before I pass out and when I am stirring the next day, still in that delightful state of relaxation and warmth I try to recall those words and why I thought of them in the first place.

It may sound trivial but for those of us who are not only getting older (yes, mental acuity does start to shift in one's forties) but who have neurological issues to deal with it is an exercise of affirmation. An affirmation that the old cerebral cortex is still functioning up to speed even if there are a few glitches that occur, some more often than not.

I have MS, multiple sclerosis, and though I may not suffer from it to the degree that others do, it still can be cause for a host of worries. I am learning not to attribute constantly for example every nervous tic or peccadillo to that condition but rather to examine the "big picture" of myself and the getting older thing. It is an interesting exercise and journey and one that I, for the most part, am enjoying except for when I bang into doorways and have nice folks ask me if I am having abuse problems at home when they see the bruising on my body. I also tend to fall down rather spectacularly except for when I have drinky poos.....which leads those who do not know the real story to believe that I am drinking which is really ironic given that having a few drinks makes me walk straighter?

I am weird. Live with it. I do.

The first time I knew there was something amiss in my physical being was around twenty or so years ago. I was in the supermarket and it was thankfully before lunch time when there would have been more people around to witness my "event". I was lucky in that I seemed to be the only shopper on my aisle and no staff were in sight. I was reaching up to the top shelf to get, I cannot recall what item, something out of my normal reach and I am not short so that was not the issue. It was after having grabbed the item that I felt nothing below my waist and in not feeling anything, no little strain, no readjusting of my feet or posture, that my arse hit the floor, surprising me.

I sat there or rather stayed on the floor in a prone position until I felt my lower body again and worked up the gumption to get back up. I cannot remember the duration of my stay on that floor but just like silence on the radio it may as well have been an eternity. Not too long after that my eyesight started to change as in disappear from the one eye - dead centre. Other things started to happen but not in steady increments. Not knowing (or worrying) about these changes - there are those who give me shit for not being aware immediately and there are those who say that I saved myself a lot of aggravation and stress, two things an MS sufferer does not need in their life.

I try to see the silver lining in as many ways as possible. More on that in awhile because I am tired and need to rest. If I am not in pain I am usually tired and have learned to go with the flow. The words are not going anywhere and they will appear later, hopefully filling in some gaps of thought and leading on to some amusing stuff. Better to be amusing than tragic right?

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